Happily Never “After”

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My Experience With the Life Changing Transformation Photos Can’t Capture

I have tried to write this post probably five times in the past month. I wanted to talk about how this year I have given up diets, found joy in the exercises that make me feel happy yet challenged, and fallen in love with who I am. But, for the woman who loves words, I struggled to put them together in a way that properly depicted how I have felt and how I’ve transformed in more ways than what is seen in a picture. Actually, I struggled with posting a “transformation” picture like this because I know they can be just as much of a trigger for some as they can be inspiring. In all honesty, I don’t want to be a trigger nor inspiring. I just want to be. That’s why, towards the beginning of this year, I scaled back from posting on this blog page quite a bit. As I was figuring out my place with intuitive eating, exercise, and self love, I felt like I owed it to myself to have that space to do so. Since I pride myself on authenticity, I didn’t want to post stuff just to post stuff when I felt myself transcending through change. So for many, I get why it was probably perceived that I was struggling in some way. I wasn’t. I was just finding my way and doing so for me.

I think I knew today was the day I would finally get my thoughts together and post this when I read my daily devotion this morning. It talked about being content in all circumstances, how “a person who can only be satisfied when there are no disturbances in life will spend a great deal of time being disconnected”. That statement brought back flashbacks of when my self worth was dependent upon a number on the scale. I was waiting for a digit to tell me I was worthy. But then my devotional pinpointed what it means to be content, which is “satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted in whatever state I am in”. Lightbulb. That’s me. That’s where I’ve been this year. Because, as it goes on to share, that definition “does not say that I must be satisfied to the point where I don’t ever want to change, but I can be satisfied to the point that I am not anxious or disturbed. I desperately wanted, and now enjoy, that kind of peace”. For me, that hit the nail on the head. And please know, I don’t have it all figured out and I probably never will. I still battle with things, like EVERY HUMAN BEING. I have an anxiety disorder, PCOS, my bed isn’t made, my car has crumbs on the floor, and I’m still figuring out my place with wanting to be healthy and strong, yet not wanting to make it my sole purpose and identity. Maybe that’s why I share these before/now pictures, too. To show the work I’ve put forth (and be proud of it), that it is possible to eat intuitively and lose weight, that I am extremely grateful for both my strength and mental growth this year, or that taking the time to make/find/discover/seek peace with your heart and mind is the best dang (hard) thing you could ever do for yourself. There is no finish line for the work I’m doing. It’s impossible. I’ve finally accepted that and, in turn, a lot of weight has been lifted. I enjoy that kind of peace. I wish, actually I believe it for everyone. We are all MORE THAN.

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